This comes from the very first Ubersausage in Edinburgh. It was meant as a joke but we forgot to tell anyone that and as a result it got taken very seriously indeed. Ciaran received death threats and was chased down the Royal Mile by a piper with a knife.

10 Point Plan

What we wish to do:

1. Ban kilts (incorporating sporrans) - we feel that by removing the trappings of bagpiping we will be able to highlight the immaturity of the pastime, hence furthering the ultimate aim of our campaign which is to...
   


2. Ban Bagpipes - as we stand on the brink of a new threshold for Scottish history, we believe that it is time to look to the future rather than the past for inspiration. We now have an unparalleled opportunity to redefine the nature of Scottish identity. We may never get another chance.

Why we wish to do this:

Scottish identity should not be defined by the trappings of the past.

Kilts are divisive - tartan was devised as a means of determining clan and location in conflict. In this day and age, Scotland should be uniting under one common heritage, not wallowing in the divisions of the past.

It's cold up here - Scotland is the coldest part of the United Kingdom. For this reason, it seems absurd that they should be the only part of the UK in which men wear skirts.

They all sound the same. These tunes that bagpipers profess to play all sound equally bad. Where is the talent in that? Isn't it time to make Scotland a quieter place?

Long term aims:

The banning of shortbread and haggis.

The creation of a sanctuary on the Isle of Skye. - In this sanctuary bagpipers may play and dress as they please, far from civilization and annoyance. We will ship tourists out to view these curiosities in their natural habitat; similar to the puffin viewing trips currently undertaken to the Isle of Mull.

How we will do this:

The 3 Ps - Petitions, Picketing and Posters. Do your bit, picket a piper!

Wilful ignorance - By ignoring these people we hope that they will just go away.

Press Response

'If we ever saw the end of the bagpipes we would see an end to a great Scottish tradition.' - BBC News

'1000 years of history doesn't make it right.'- The Sunday Post

'A deftly executed affair by cheeky rogues.' - Three Weeks

To hear Ciaran on BBC News, click here.